There you are. Sitting across from some foreign hottie in your hostel. You’re staring deeply into each other’s eyes when you realize you are both conveying the same thought: “Let’s have sex.”
No one wants to spend a year traveling around the world and not come back with at least one story of overseas romance. Magical nights spent in exotic cities, two souls exploring the world together. Or at least one drunken night in that hostel in Europe.
Kindred spirits abound on the travel trail, and people are constantly starting and ending relationships – sometimes in the same day. So there you are, in that hostel with your new romance – what do you do? Where will you go? Well, here are some do’s and don’ts for having sex in a hostel:
DO head to the bathroom. This is a perfect place to do the nasty. You can lock the door, and the shower makes for easy cleanup. It’s also less likely someone will come in and bother you here than in a dorm room.
DON’T have sex in the common room. After a long day of sightseeing, you don’t want to come back, sit down on the couch, and think, “Ewww…why is this couch sticky?” Do us all a favor and head somewhere you won’t leave a mark…at least not one people will sit in. Try the closet where the hostel keeps cleaning supplies. No one will bother you there. I’ve walked in on people in the common room and just think, “Gross.” Plus, people hang out, eat, and drink in the common room all day. It’s probably not that clean to begin with.
DO head to the roof. Tons of hostels have rooftop terraces, and many are kept unlocked. No one is going to bother you (unless they get the same idea – maybe “the more the merrier” is a philosophy you take with you all the time?). Bump uglies under the stars all night long. It will be the most romantic time you have in a hostel.
DON’T have sex on the top bunk. You’ll shake the bed. It will creak. You’ll wake everyone up, especially your bunkmate. It’s just rude – there are other places to go. Don’t be that guy or girl!
DO drape sheets over your bed. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen sheets hanging over the bottom bunk in a dorm room. Couples think they are being coy, but we all know what is going on behind the sheets. However, your dormmates will appreciate when you hang a sheet around the bed because no one wants to see your butt bouncing up and down like a teenager thinking his parents aren’t home.
DON’T have sex in the kitchen. Seriously. I mean it. People eat there. The only white sauce I want on my pasta is made out of cheese. Hostel kitchens are dirty enough; there’s no need to make them dirtier. Additionally, there are people in a kitchen 24 hours a day so there’s little chance you’ll have privacy. Don’t have sex in the kitchen. Think of it as the hostel’s champagne room. There is no sex in the champagne room.
DO wait until people go to bed. If you wait until late at night, there’s less of a chance that people will hear you have sex in your dorm. Okay, someone will probably hear you. They might even watch; you never know. But if you wait until your dormmates put in earplugs and fall into a comfy drunk sleep, the chances of you waking someone are pretty low. Unless, of course, you’re a screamer. Then there’s no hope.
DON’T do it in the evening. This is the WORST time to have sex. People are coming in from a day of sightseeing. They’re eating dinner. Getting ready to go out. Posting pictures on Instagram. The hostel is bursting with life in the early evening. Bottom line: Unless you want to show people your bottom and possibly get kicked out in the process, wait a few hours until everyone goes out for the night (see tip below).
DO wait until people go out for the evening. When nighttime rolls around and everyone goes out to socialize, there’s no one around to bother you and your special someone while you play a quiet game of hide the sausage.
DON’T have sex in the morning. Everyone is getting up or sleeping off their hangovers. The last thing they want to hear is “Ohhh I’m almost there” or, more likely, “I usually last a little longer.” Waking people up by getting jiggy with it is a sure-fire way to leave a hostel with no friends. Except for that creepy guy who wouldn’t stop staring.
DO get it on in the laundry room. It will be empty, especially at night, so you’ll have your own private space. Put a few coins in the machine for some extra fun.
DON’T do it in a small room. If you are in a 24-person dorm, it will be easy to get away with doing it. Most people aren’t going to realize who is doing what if you’re in a huge dorm, but in a small room, it’s easy to annoy your roommates. People will figure it out, you’ll keep them up, and you’ll make enemies. I’ve stayed in 40-bed dorms where it’s hard to hear anything over the 10 people snoring like freight trains, but in that 6-bed dorm? You know who is doing what!
DO get your own room! I know you are on a budget and a private room is expensive, but when two of you split the cost of a room, it’s not so bad. For a few extra dollars a night, you and your lover can have complete privacy. You can do it until you are blue in the face without having to worry about getting caught.
DON’T forget to wear a condom. Because photos and memories are the only thing you want to bring home from your holiday.
So remember, if you are going to have sex in a hostel, make sure you have sex the right way – without bothering the rest of the hostel. No one wants to see your ass. It’s not pretty. In fact, when was the last time you got a tan? It’s looking a little white. I’ve seen some crazy stuff in hostels, but seeing you having sex is something no one wants to see! Be courteous hostel guests!