There you are. Sitting across from some foreign hottie in some foreign hostel. You stare deeply into each others eyes and realize you are both conveying the same thought: “Let’s have sex.”

No one wants to spend a year traveling around the world and not come back with at least one story of overseas romance. Magical nights spent in exotic cities – two souls exploring the world together. Or at least one drunken night in that hostel in Europe. Whatever works best for you.

Kindred spirits abound on the travel trail, and people are constantly starting and ending relationships — sometimes in the same day. So there you are then, in that hostel – what do you do? Where will you go? Well, here are some do’s and dont’s for having sex in a hostel:

DO head to the bathroom. This is a great place to do the nasty. You can lock the door, and the shower makes for easy clean-up. Well, only a little bit because you might get a little dirty while in there, but hey, comes right off!

DO head to the roof. Tons of hostels have rooftop terraces, and many are kept unlocked. No one one is going to bother you (unless they get the same idea – maybe “the more the merrier” is a philosophy you take with you all the time?). Bump uglies under the stars all night long. It will be the most romantic time you have in a hostel.

DON’T have sex on the top bunk. You’ll shake the bed. It will creak. You’ll wake everyone up, especially your bunk mate. It’s just rude – there are other places to go. Don’t be that guy or girl (or any combination of the two)!

DO put sheets up over the bed. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen sheets on the bottom bunk. Couples think they are being coy, but we all know what is going on – especially when the moans start. But we appreciate it when you put up a sheet because no one wants to see your white, hairy ass bouncing up and down like a teenager thinking his parents aren’t home.

DON’T have sex in the common room. After a long day of sightseeing, you don’t want to come back, sit down on the couch, and go “Ewww… why is this couch sticky?” Do us all a favor and head somewhere where you won’t leave a mark… at least not one people will sit in. Try the supply closet where the hostel keeps cleaning supplies. No one will bother you there.

DON’T have sex in the kitchen. Seriously. I mean it. People eat there. The only white sauce I want on my pasta is made out of cheese. Hostel kitchens are dirty enough; there’s no need to make them dirtier. Additionally, there are people in kitchen 24 hours a day. I mean it. Don’t have sex in the kitchen. Think of it as the hostel’s champagne room. There is no sex in the champagne room.

DO wait until people go to bed. If you wait until late at night, there’s less of a chance people will hear you. O.K., someone will hear you. They might even watch; you never know. But if you wait until everyone puts in earplugs and falls into a nice drunk sleep, the chances of you waking someone are pretty low. Unless, of course, you’re a screamer. Then there’s no hope.

DON’T do it in the evening. This is the WORST time to have sex. People are coming in from a day of sightseeing. They’re eating dinner. Getting ready to go out. Maybe on the Internet. Bottom line: Unless you want to show people your bottom and possibly get kicked out of the hostel in the process, wait a few hours. The anticipation will make it better.

DO wait until people go out. When nighttime rolls around and everyone goes out to socialize, there’s no one around to bother you and your special someone while you play a quiet game of who’s your daddy.

DON’T have sex in the morning. Everyone is getting up or sleeping off their hangovers. The last thing they want to hear is “Ohhh I’m almost there” or, more likely, “I usually last a little longer.” Waking people up by getting jiggy with it is a sure fire way to leave a hostel with no friends. Except that creepy guy who wouldn’t stop staring.

DO do it in the laundry room. It will be empty – especially at night. There’s really no other reason. Put a few coins in the machine for some extra fun.

DON’T do it in a small room. if you are in a 24 person dorm, it will be easy to get away with doing it. Most people aren’t going to realize who is doing what but in a small room, it’s easy to annoy your roommates. People will figure it out, you’ll keep them up, and you’ll make enemies. If you are going to break the “don’t do it in the room” rule, at least do it in a big room.

DO put a sock on the door. Or create some sort of signal. That way when your roommates come home, they will know not to enter. It’s easy, it’s polite, and it save people from walking into the room and seeing your pasty white butt.

DO get a room! I know you are on a budget and a private room is expensive, but when there are two of your splitting the cost, it is not that bad. For a few extra dollars a night, you and your lover can have complete privacy. You can do it until you are blue in the face without having to worry about getting caught. When you are older, you’ll be glad you did.

DON’T forget to wear a condom. Because photos and memories are the only thing you want to bring home from your holiday.

So remember, if you are going to have sex in the hostel, make sure you have sex the right way – without bothering the rest of the hostel. No one wants to be jealous. And no one really wants to see your ass. It’s not pretty. In fact, when was the last time you got a tan? It’s looking a little white. I’ve seen some crazy stuff in hostels while I’ve been traveling but just make sure you having sex is something I or anyone else never sees!

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