How to Have Sex in Hostels
There you are. Staring across from some foreign hottie in some foreign hostel. You stare deeply into each others eyes and realize you are both conveying the same thought: “Let’s have sex.” No one wants to spend a year around the world and not comeback with at least one story of overseas romance. Magical nights spent in exotic cities- two souls exploring the world together. Or at least one drunk night in that hostel in Europe. Whatever works best for you. Kindred spirits abound on the travel trail and people are constantly starting and ending relationships- sometimes in the same day. So there you are then, in that hostel- what do you do? Where will you go? Well, here are some do’s and dont’s for having sex in a hostel:
DO head to the bathroom. This is a great place to do the nasty. You can lock the door and the shower makes for easy clean up after. Well, only a little bit because you might get a little dirty while in there but hey, comes right off!
DO head to the roof. Tons of hostels have roofs and tons of them keep them unlocked. No one one is going to bother you (unless they get the same idea- though maybe “the more the merrier” is a philosophy you take with you all the time?). Bump uglies under the stars all night long. It will be the most romantic time you get in a hostel.
DON’T have sex on the top bunk. You’ll shake the bed. It will creak. You’ll wake up everyone, especially your bunk mate. It’s just mean- there are other places to go. Don’t be that guy or girl! (or any combination of the two!)
DO put sheets up over the bed. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen sheets on the bottom bunk. Couples think they are being coy but we all know what is going on, especially when the moans start. But we appreciate it when you put up a sheet because no one wants to see your white, hairy ass bouncing up and down like a teenager thinking his parents aren’t home.
DON’T have sex in the common room. After a long day sightseeing, you want to come back, sit down on the couch, and go “ewww….why is this couch sticky?” Do us all a favor and head somewhere where you don’t leave a mark…at least one people will sit in. Try the supply closet where the hostel keeps cleaning supplies. No one will bother you there.
DON’T have sex in the kitchen. Seriously. I mean it. People eat there. The only white sauce I want on my pasta is made out of cheese. Hostel kitchens are dirty enough, there’s no need to make they dirtier. Additionally, there’s people in kitchen 24 hours. I mean it. Don’t have sex in the kitchen. Think of it as the hostel’s champagne room. There is no sex in the champagne room.
DO wait until people go to bed. If you wait until late at night, there’s less of a chance people will hear you. O.K., someone will hear you. They might even watch. You never know. But if you wait until everyone puts in earplugs and falls into a nice drunk sleep, the chances of you waking someone are pretty low. Unless you’re a screamer. Then there’s no hope.
DON’T do it in the evening. This is the WORST time to have sex. People are coming in from a day of sightseeing. They’re eating dinner. Getting ready to go out. Maybe on the Internet. Bottom line: Unless you want to show people your bottom and possibly get kicked out of the hostel in the process, wait a few hours. The anticipation will make it better.
DO wait until people go out. When night time rolls around and everyone goes out to socialize, there’s no one around to bother you and your special someone while you play a quiet game of who’s your daddy.
DON’T have sex in the morning. Everyone is getting up or sleeping off their hang over. The last thing they want to hear is “ohhh i’m almost there” or, more likely, “I usually last a little longer.” Waking people up by getting jiggy with it is a sure fire way to leave a hostel with no friends. Except the creepy guy who wouldn’t stop staring.
DO do it in the laundry room. It will be empty- especially at night. There’s really no other reason. Put a few coins in the machine for some extra fun.
DO get a room! I know you are on a budget and a private room is expensive but when there is two of your splitting the cost, it is not that bad. For a few extra dollars a night, you and your lover can have complete privacy. You can do it until you are blue in the face without having to worry about getting caught. When you are older, you’ll be glad you did.
DON’T forget to wear a condom. Because photos and memories are the only thing you want to bring home from your holiday.
So remember, if you are going to have sex in the hostel, make sure you have sex the right way- without bothering the rest of the hostel. No one wants to be jealous. And no one really wants to see your ass. It’s not pretty. In fact, when was the last time you got a tan? It’s looking a little white.
This is destined to be your most-read post.
How many of these have you learned yourself?
Ummm…. Very comprehensive Matt, very comprehensive…
R(etc… )
Positions are important too, skip the missionary and try alternative angles so you can hide your movements.
I’ve got some examples, but I don’t want to filthy up your blog!
These are some great tips - especially the roof (if you can see the stars), or the laundry room at night.
Looks like a very well researched post. :^)
Tips for getting it on in a hostel…
Brilliant, Matt. Absolutely brilliant.
Dear Lord.
Trip down memory lane - ! - did all the things you said NOT to!
Have to add, my previous comment was not from experience - just imagination
Blush-inducing post! And for me, that’s not easy!
LOL@ top bunk
Great post Matt !
This post answered all the questions I never knew I had. Very graphic Matt!
Going to have to disagree about not doing it in the morning.
very thorough
Well, I came here earlier, read the post and didn’t know what to comment. And I still don’t know much. Ha Ha Ha…
I can say.. well researched post.
lol…
Now you need to post about your bad experience with the “don’ts”
@everyone: Glad everyone found humor in the list. It’s good advice. Whether or not this comes from experience is a secret that will remain so.
@Taylor: A gentlemen never tells!
@Erica: Sure!
@lola: don’t be shy!
@turner: why do you disagree?
@Nicole: No, I think I’ll pass!
I’m speechless.
Sounds like some great ideas.
I added your link on my travel blog.
You are hilarious!!!
I am glad everyone has gotten a smile out of this!
Yuk Matt, I feel sure you did this one with reader optimisation in mind! Too much information!
Wow I’m glad I read this in the first week it was posted. Sad I won’t be traveling anytime soon!
I find having sex in hostels awful, it’s a big ethics problem… One day, all of you, sooner or later will get married and have children… Would you like your children or sisters or mothers to have sex with someones in hostels or anywhere like this ? Adultery … WHAT A PITY !
I love that this post went up around the same time as my virginity post! Amazing timing, Matt, seriously. But isn’t a good time to do it like early afternoon, after the hangover crowd and before ppl head back to the hostel, while they are site seeing?
Very interesting tips, Matt….thanks for sharing
This post has been yelling at me for a while from Google (because I hadn’t bookmarked you from work!) and I was determined not to read it, but hey ho I have no willpower. My only question is….how did that girl in the 3rd picture down get those boots in her rucksack?? jen x
Fantastic post! Laundry rooms are my favourites.
Hilarious! Love the honesty and guess it drew from your extensive research, heh?