Posted: 5/11/17 | May 11th, 2017
I vaguely knew about Mark Manson. He was a friend of friends, a fellow blogger, and someone I knew who wrote well-researched (and always a little controversial) posts.
When he and his wife moved to NYC, we finally met in person (I actually met his wife first). We became friends — we’re both nerds, entrepreneurs, writers, poker players, and lovers of whiskey (I even blurbed his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, which is a phenomenal book about focusing on what matters).
His book exploded onto the scene, popular with big names like Chelsea Handler and Chris Hemsworth (aka THOR). Mark is a phenomenal writer and in this post, he talks about how travel made him the person is today — and laid the foundation for the book.
I have vomited in six different countries. That may not be the most savory statistic for a travel article, but when you’re huddled over a drainage ditch, spewing up what for all you know could have been sautéed rat meat, these moments have a way of staying in your mind.
I remember getting a flat tire in the India and the locals being flabbergasted as I changed it myself.
I remember staying up until 4AM in a hostel arguing with a drunk English kid who thought 9/11 was a hoax.
I remember an old man in Ukraine got me drunk on the best vodka of my life and claimed he was stationed in a Soviet U-Boat off the coast of Mississippi in the 1970s (which is probably untrue, but who knows).
I remember climbing the Great Wall of China hungover, getting ripped off on a boat trip in Bali (spoiler alert: there was no boat), sneaking my way into a five-star resort on the Dead Sea, and the night I met my wife in a Brazilian night club.
Since selling my possessions in the fall of 2009, I remember a lot of things. I set out with a small suitcase to travel around the world. I had a small internet business, a blog, and a dream.
My year (maybe two) long trip turned into seven years (and sixty countries).
With most things in life, you know exactly what benefits you’re going to get from them. If I go to the gym, I know I’m going to get stronger and/or lose weight. If I hire a tutor, I know I’m going to learn more about a specific subject. If I start a new Netflix series, I know I’m not going to sleep for the next three days until I finish it.
Travel, unlike anything else in life, has the beautiful ability to give you benefits you didn’t expect. It doesn’t just teach you what you don’t know, it also teaches you what you don’t know you don’t know.
I gained a lot of amazing experiences from my travels — experiences I expected and looked for. I saw incredible sites. I learned about world history and foreign cultures. I often had more fun than I knew was possible.
But the most important effects of my years of travel are actually the benefits that I didn’t even know I would get and the memories I didn’t know I would have.
For example, I don’t know the moment I became comfortable being alone. But it happened somewhere in Europe, probably in either Germany or Holland.
When I was younger, I would consistently feel as though something was wrong with me if I was by myself for too long — “Do people not like me? Do I not have any friends?” I felt a constant need to surround myself with girlfriends and friends, to always be at parties, and always be in touch. If for some reason I weren’t included in other people’s plans, it was a personal judgment on me and my character.
But, by the time I returned to Boston in 2010, that feeling somehow stopped. I don’t know where or when.
All I know is I flew home from Portugal after 8 months abroad, sat at home, and felt fine.
I don’t remember where I was when I developed a sense of patience (probably somewhere in Latin America). I used to be the guy who would get angry if a bus was late (which often happens in Latin America), or I missed my turn on the highway and had to loop back around. Sh*t like that used to drive me insane.
Then one day, it just didn’t.
It ceased to be a big deal. The bus will eventually come and I’ll still get to where I need to go. It became clear that my emotional energy was limited and I was better off saving that energy for moments that mattered.
I don’t recall exactly when I learned how to express my feelings either.
Ask any of my girlfriends pre-travels and they’ll tell you: I was a closed book. An enigma wrapped in bubble-wrap and held together by duct tape (but with an extremely handsome face).
My problem was that I was afraid to offend people, step on toes, or create an uncomfortable situation.
But now? Most people comment that I’m so blunt and open that it can be jarring. Sometimes my wife jokes that I’m too honest.
I don’t recall when I became more accepting of people of different walks of life or when I started appreciating my parents or when I learned how to communicate with someone despite neither of us speaking the same language.
But all of these happened…somewhere in the world, in some country, with somebody. I don’t have any photos of these moments. I just know they are there.
Somewhere along the way I became a better me.
Last year, I wrote a book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. The premise of the book is essentially that we all have a limited number of f*cks to give in our lives, therefore we should be conscious of what we’re choosing to give a f*ck about.
Looking back, I think that it was my experience traveling that subtly, without me realizing it, taught me to not give a f*ck. It taught me to not give a fu*k about being alone, the bus being late, other people’s plans, or creating an uncomfortable situation or two.
Memories are made from what we give a f*ck about.
I have all the usual photos from my travels. Me on the beaches. Me at Carnaval. Me with my buddy Brad surfing in Bali. Machu Picchu.
I gave a f*ck about those.
The photos are great. The memories are great.
But like anything in life, their importance fades the further removed you get from them. Just like those moments in high school that you think are going to define your life forever cease to matter a few years into adulthood, those glorious peaks of travel experience seem to matter less the more time passes.
What seemed life-changing and world-shaking at the time now simply elicits a smile, some nostalgia and maybe an excited, “Oh yeah! Wow, I was so skinny back then!”
Travel, although a great thing, is just another thing. It’s not you. It’s something you do. It’s something you experience. It’s something you savor and brag about to your friends down the street.
But it’s not you.
Yet these other, memoryless qualities — the outgrown personal confidence, the comfort with myself and my failings, the greater appreciation for family and friends, the ability to rely upon myself — these are the real gifts that travel gives you.
And, despite the fact that they produce no photos or stories for cocktail parties, they are the things stay with you forever.
They are your real lasting memories…because these things are you.
And they will always be you.
Mark Manson is a blogger, entrepreneur, and author of the New York Times Bestseller The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. His book is one of the best books I read in 2016 and I can’t recommend it enough. It’s well written, funny, self-deprecating, and even works in a panda bear! You can read more of his work at MarkManson.net. You can also check out his more recent 2019 interview about his newest book, Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope.
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Taste of France
Great post! There are two ways not to give a f***. One of them is to be selfish and not give a f*** about the world and whether we are annoying and disagreeable to others.
The other is to be open and not give a f*** about the risk of getting hurt. To give a f*** about other people and not about our own status or comfort. To not give a f*** about the superficial differences between us and to instead care about what links us together. Travel teaches the second kind.
Bigelow
This comment is of higher value than the article itself.
Larry Herznik
Agreed. This article is self-serving and pointless. This guy seems like a real f*cking tool.
NomadicMatt
I think the point of this article is that travel can make you a better person. It can relax you and the changes to your personality are the things that we remember and carry with us most. I’ve written about this before (https://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/travel-personal-development/). Mark is just saying it in a different way.
Mark isn’t saying “don’t give a f*** about the world”, he’s saying “learn not to sweat the small stuff”. That’s what traveling taught him. Travel can teach us to care more about the world and the people in it. It can also make us personally better too.
I think you’re getting caught up on the swear word without looking at the deeper meaning behind what he is saying.
Tanaka
I’ve been away from home for the past 7-8 months traveling and I can testify to these words. I really feel like I’ve evolved and learned that sweating the small stuff won’t do any good especially when you’re in a country where they don’t speak your language!
This was such a great read (V funny!)
Thanks for sharing with us (:
Nicki
I think that anyone who is getting the wrong impression about Mark should go and check out his website to see what he’s REALLY about. I’ve been following his blog posts for a few years now, and he is one of the few very open and honest bloggers. People are afraid of bluntness and are quick to judge a person who isn’t afraid to his mind on issues without candycoding s***!
Mohit Verma
“My problem was that I was afraid to offend people, step on toes, or create an uncomfortable situation.” – Mark Manson.
I am confused as to the fact if we really learn not to give a f*** about small things, things that should not matter in the big scheme of things, would we still be bothered by offending people or situations in such a manner that we become not “to afraid to offend people, step on toes, or create an uncomfortable situation.” I mean why would we do that? Won’t we just “not give a f***”and simply move on! In that sense, wouldn’t “stepping on toes and not afraid to offend people and create uncomfortable situations” be contradictory to not giving a f***?
Is what Mark is advising
Kathryn
I can’t answer for Mark but to me it would come down to picking your fights. If someone does something that doesn’t effect you, why get riled up about it. Some people care too much about what other wear, eat, do and it’s such a waste of energy.
On the other hand, if they doing something that does effect you then be blunt. A lot of travel scams work because travellers have that whole being polite thing ground into them and don’t want conflict.
Or maybe you meet another traveler who wants to hang out but you don’t really click with them. Isn’t it better to be upfront about that? Just saying that you’d rather do things alone can be extremely confrontational to some people but it’s better to risk offending those people than wasting your time doing things you don’t enjoy.
Mohit Verma
Thanks Kathryn for that insight. I have mostly been a pretty easy-to-go, “not stepping on toes,” polite kind of traveler myself, even at the cost of doing thing which sometimes I wouldn’t really want to do. I would basically avoid a conflict or confrontation especially when traveling alone or in remote regions of India. You have put it very succinctly about how to behave while travelling. I will for sure keep that in mind. Maybe what Mark means to say is the same thing! 🙂
Nicole
I LOVE THIS. And I feel the same way.
Pilot Mark
Travel is a beautiful thing. It can open your eyes in many ways and make you see the world from a different perspective. Life on the road is more simple; you really become aware of what´s important in your life and what´s just filling up space. Great post as always!
Becky
Loving this post! Really inspiring! It’s true that travel teaches you things you didn’t even know about before, it’s one of the best parts of traveling 🙂
Ted
“..comfortable being alone”
I’ve always been comfortable alone, I was raised that way so no problem. I still like to relate, but usually that is short term. Once in a rare while I meet someone and we “click”, we just get along and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
Or I find somewhere, enjoy it and couldn’t care less if others can’t handle that (that’s their problem, not mine).
Summing stuff up is: there’s the things we like and can do, and those we can’t and don’t want to.
Jack Kerouc said,” I don’t know, I don’t care, and it doesn’t matter anyways.” I tend to agree with him.
Nina
I really like the message Mark is putting out there. Sure traveling will give you so many memories to enjoy and keep dear. But what traveling really does is teach what’s important about life and let’s you prioritize what to value. Great post!
Jo
Wise words! I always feel like no amount of books would be able to teach me what I can learn while travelling. Truly amazing.
Reshma Narasing
Wow! The honesty with which Mark has written is admirable. Traveling for 3 years now, travel has changed me so much, and not giving a damn about things that don’t matter is one of the major things that I have learnt. As a travel blogger too, this attitude is helping me focus on things that are important and ignoring the ones that don’t. Kudos, Mark on your journeys! Keep going!
Tara Lonneman
Yes Yes Yes!
I listened to Mark’s book on Audible and loved it. I also follow him on facebook…I think Travel and his motto go hand in hand… basically, live consciously and be intentional! Very appropriate article to have on this travel blog.
Painting Mary
When things go wrong find a solution. I was in Angkor Wat when suddenly I could not find my driver. I had left my backpack in his car. Finally I took a tuk tuk back to my hotel and contacted the company for him to please return my backpack. He delivered it at noon with anger and no offer to finish out the tour. Okay so this was my final day in Cambodia. I went inside the hotel and started going through their brochures for something to fill my day. I came across a sunset dinner cruise on the river. I got it booked and wow. It was so great I was glad that I did not get upset, but instead changed plans. When you travel always remember your time in one place is precious, use it! Being upset can spoil your time, what a waste.
rick be
When I discovered the casino wasn’t open,I decided to try a boat trip on the Zambezi, it was one of the highlights of my visit to Zimbabwe.
Claudio C
Great post! I always enjoy Mark’s ways to express experiences and very good ideas. I always enjoy travelling. So now I will follow Nomadic Matt too. Great site, and very useful ideas. I send a big hug for both of you from Argentina 🙂
rick be
A best selling book I’ve read says at the top of p.111(coincidently);The first principle of success is to never be angry. Truer words were never writ.
Kent
If you aren’t changed some way by travel, then maybe you are not traveling the way that could benefit you. I’m certainly not the same person that started out traveling 20 years ago and much of that I attribute to travel. New landscapes, new horizons, different people and cultures can make all the difference in one’s life. Also, to respond to a blog by calling someone a tool, you have simply made it easier for the rest of us to dismiss you and your opinion as pointless. If you can’t be decent in your criticism, shut off your computer and take an ethics course.
Pete Weston
Grow a pair of testicles, Kent, and stop hiding behind your computer.
Ryan Biddulph
Hi Matt,
I LOVE Mark’s take on life!
During a recent trip to Myanmar I had to squat and um, evacuate in a field besides cows at 2 AM, in a remote area. The precursor? I got ill on a bus filled with Burmese and travelers, gagging and retching and just about vomiting as I sprinted up the aisle, unable to control my body. I had to get over my self after those 10 seconds.
I’ve pooped in many lands. In public. Because sometimes you have to. No choice or else you poop your pants. I chose terra firma. Almost died in India. Carried into emergency room like a rag doll after losing 20 pounds in a week, due to giardia. All these experiences forced me to get over me, to let go the emotion of humiliation, to not give a rat’s fanny what people think.
I have been embarrassed in so many ways early during my 6 year world tour that it programmed me to get over myself. It has to. Only the brain dead carry the level of pride that ensures they take themselves seriously. Your vomiting in 6 lands was the ultimate lead in. No better way to not care then to spew and be seen spewing, by all types of folks, or even to do so in the privacy of your exotic domicile.
Great post! Thanks for spreading the message guys 🙂
Ryan
Walter
Lol indeed, traveling could change so many things in our life, from don’t give a f*ck to understand tolerance deeper than anyone else
Steve
I think travel taught me to care less about things that aren’t so important, like job titles and how new your car is. I loved this post.
Mikayla
Yes Matt!! I Love this!!
So beautifully, honestly written. It made me remember those feelings, those thoughts and yearn for more of those life changing moments!!
Thank you for being so raw and sharing such insight into a traveller’s mind! 🙂
Ray
That is a great point that Mark points out – the memories of what you saw and have done during travel are still just “things” that you collect. After awhile, who really gives a f*ck about them when you are just living in the past? But what characteristics did you develop as a result of travel? Have you becoming more patient than before? Are you less insecure and shy meeting strangers? Those are one of the few f*cks we should give about. Great metaphor and guest post! Really inciteful and hope we can see more of these on your blog, Matt!
Peggy
I’ve got a Type A personality in the sense that everything MUST be planned and perfect right down to the last detail. As every traveller will know – that’s not how life (and travel) works. Travelling has taught me, much like Mark, somewhere in Latin America, that all the best laid plans can and will go awry, and the only thing I can control is how I respond to situations. Great post, and I’d love to read the book! (Psst Matt maybe a giveaway in exchange for your blurb?!)
Jade Mortimer
Completely agree, I like what you said about the buses. There will always be another one! Now sometimes it’s more freeing to just say ‘oh well let’s move on’ and have another beer!
Liza
I guess we all should give less f**k about some minor and unnecessary things, e.g. likes on Instagram, lack of great photos and so on. Because the memories are all that matters in the end. Looking forward to reading this book by Mark.
abhishek soni
Totally agree with Mark!! And being an Indian blogger I can understand the problems faced by few tourist in my country.Try to avoid street food here in India …Haha!!!
David Hoskyn
After travelling recently this really resonates with me. Its important not to worry about the small things. Helps to put things in perspective
Shirin
Amazing! I for one love to travel and there are about a million reasons why. I really think you nailed it when you said that traveling doesn’t just teach you what you don’t know, it teaches you what you don’t know you don’t know. Absolutely perfect way to put how I view travelling into perfect words. After traveling to Cuba, the first few weeks back home were extremely eye opening. I felt like the world had so much to offer, and I was so motivated to save up to get out there! But now, almost a year of school and working a part time job, it feels like I am back to being brainwashed! Travel is so important. To get out there and learn, and experience new things! Learn the cultures, learn the languages, eat the food! Travel is amazing!
amit sharma
So true, I’ve been traveling since 2010 and I’m a completely different person in terms of attitude. All those things that used to niggle me, all those things that I used to get wound up about just don’t bother me anymore. Traveling teaches you so much, especially about just going with the flow. If you think about it how many people here before you started to travel would get wound up if your train or bus was 5 minutes late? And after you started to travel hours would pass by waiting for a bus or train, you just learn to go with the flow 😀 😀
Emma @ theweekendabroad.com
This is precisely why I travel. I tend to give way too many f*cks at home working my 9-5 job surrounded by the bustling streets of a tech-centric city. But traveling – even just 2 hours outside of my city – always gives me perspective. And for some reason, just reading this article about not giving a f*ck helped me give a f*ck a little less.
Thanks for another great read.
Anna
I feel like the biggest benefit of traveling is discovering, in depth, who you are. When you meet strangers every day, you don’t have to worry about societal norms or if you’re being to abrupt or if you “fit in.” You just start being yourself because everyone around you is so vastly different anyways that it doesn’t make sense to fit in with people who are all over the world. The more I travel, the more I realize how easy it is to be who I am. This was a fun read. THANK you for putting it into words.
adam g
I agree with the writer, I look at it this way I am half way around the world in a foreign country I am not going to let a late bus or train or whatever worry me, I just go with the flow and enjoy the experience.
Leah
Great post Mark. I was on a hunt for an article about traveling to Germany, and came across your post. It’s not what I expected but I’m so glad I saw this. I especially liked how you added some humor to everything. It’s a serious issue but it feels so light reading this.
Anyway, since you travel I just put together an infographic about “10 Must Do’s in Black Forest”. Let me know if you’d like to check it out. If you have any ideas about Black Forest in particular, I’d like to know! -Leah
Amy Rose
Haha. I really like the title of your post. I feel travelling is about the adventure of meeting new people with their own passion and problems. It may include arguing at 4am or listening to people’s story.