Posted: 02/20/2020 | February 20th, 2020
Kristin Addis from Be My Travel Muse writes our regular column on solo female travel. It’s an important topic I can’t adequately cover, so I brought in an expert to share her advice for other women travelers to help cover the topics important and specific to them! In this month’s article, she explores the double standards that come with solo female travel.
I rushed to the gate at Julius Nyerere Airport in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. As the agent checked my passport, he looked around me and, perplexed, asked if I was alone.
I’d just finished up four months of solo traveling up from South Africa, one of the best and most enriching solo trips of my life, and replied that yes, I was alone.
“Your husband lets you do that?” he asked incredulously.
I get it. In Tanzania, it’s unthinkable for a woman, especially in her late twenties like I was, to travel alone. I gently let him know that nobody “lets” me do anything, and that I’m unmarried.
While I take pleasure in shifting paradigms when possible, I still wonder what it would be like if I were a man. How would I be perceived when I solo travel or write about it? How would people treat me differently?
1. They wouldn’t ask me whether or not my husband “lets me” travel alone.
From Tanzania to the Philippines, I’ve been asked where my boyfriend or husband is. I bet almost nobody would ask me if my girlfriend lets me travel alone if I were a man.
I wouldn’t have to question whether or not I should lie about being single. I wouldn’t debate wearing a decoy wedding band. My safety wouldn’t be tied up in my singleness.
2. They wouldn’t question whether a boyfriend or daddy pays for my trips.
Is it so strange to believe that a woman can fund her own lifestyle? Why is there such a pervasive myth that women who travel solo are being bankrolled by someone?
When I travel, I pay for it, and when I travel with my partner, we split it 50/50.
I bet I wouldn’t have to state that if I were a man, though.
3. People might ask when I’m planning to settle down, but they wouldn’t do it with such frequency and entitlement to the answer
Maybe settling down with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog named Spike used to be the norm, but we have more mobility these days, and the internet, and too many people anyway. So why is it so darn important to people that I eventually settle down?
I think in a way it’s saying, “Hey, this was the only option I gave myself, and now you have to follow suit.” For those who conform to expectations, it’s uncomfortable when others deviate from the norm, especially women.
But I’m not worried about it. If and when I choose, I’ll do it, and if I don’t, that’s OK too. I’m approaching this more like a man, OK?
Also, get out of my ovaries.
4. I’d be called adventurous and an explorer rather than irresponsible and stupid.
If I traveled solo as a man, even if something unfortunate happened to me, I’d be called an explorer and lover of life.
Yet as a woman, I’ve been called stupid, warned I’d be “found dead and cannibalized,” and accused of leading other women to their death (just look at the comments on this video, the worst of which I actually deleted).
5. I wouldn’t be warned I’d “get raped” if I traveled alone.
If I were a man, I’d only have a 6.6% chance of being told I’d “get raped” if I travel alone, versus nearly 70% as a woman.
This is problematic on so many levels, it deserves its own post.
6. I’d be able to wear what I want.
In some places, I can’t wear what I want. I understand that modesty is built into the culture in many places around the world, and I respect it and assimilate when in those countries.
But that doesn’t mean I have to pretend that I enjoy wearing long sleeves and pants in 90-degree weather with 90% humidity while the boys get to wear shorts and tank tops.
7. I wouldn’t have had to wonder what the hell to do when cornered in an elevator in Santiago by two big men, saying salacious things to me in Spanish.
When I traveled through Patagonia with a male friend, nobody harassed me, assuming I wasn’t available. Yet when we parted ways so that I could solo travel — something that was important to me to do — the catcalls started pouring in.
Sadly, I’ve been catcalled in almost every country that I’ve been to, even the ones you’d least expect (yet not at all in southern and eastern Africa — points for Africa!). It ranges from “ciao bella” to being chased down the sidewalk.
It is not a compliment, it’s an assertion of power, and it’s exhausting.
In Santiago, it crossed the line into terrifying when two huge guys got into an elevator with me, hovered over me, and harassed me. It was the perfect place, because who could help me in there?
Would that have happened to a man?
(On the positive side, if I were a man, locals might not be as concerned with taking care of me as many are. People might also not trust me outright the way they do. Right or wrong, women tend to be perceived as more peaceful and gentle and in need of protection.)
8. Nobody would have assaulted me in public in Nepal.
In Pokhara, Nepal, after a random power cut, the sun was setting and I realized I needed water to drink to get through the evening. Though I prefer not to walk alone when it gets dark, I had to do so in that instance.
I heard myself scream before realizing that a local male had grabbed my breast. I whirled around and saw nothing but the back of his head as he ran away like the coward he is.
Everyone nearby just pretended like they hadn’t seen anything, of course.
9. But maybe the police would have taken me more seriously.
I wonder, if I’d been a man demanding the police take notice, would they have listened to me? Would the officer still have rolled his eyes and acted like I was ruining his night by demanding an escort back to my guesthouse?
I can only wonder if it would have been different.
10. Insulting my ass would not be the topic of discussion on a post about road trips.
When women share about something like travel on social media, why is body shaming still a thing?
Why, on a post about road trips of all things, does someone feel the need to inform me that my ass is flat? Does that happen to guys too? I think not.
11. I wouldn’t have had an internet stalker demand a naked selfie from me for months on all of my social platforms.
If being a solo female traveler is tough at times, try writing about it. Have any of my male peers ever been harassed for months on end, on every platform, by a stalker demanding a naked selfie?
Unfortunately, women are targeted online way more than men. According to the BBC, one in three teenage girls have been sexually harassed online.
Why can’t we just share our travel pictures in peace?
12. I wouldn’t get a flood of comments from fragile males on posts like this.
It always happens, but I’m curious: Why should any egalitarian male, who has the ability to see things from someone else’s perspective, ever take this personally? Why does pointing out issues in our society automatically equate to blaming men?
Louder, for the ones in the back: it doesn’t.
Obviously, there are drawbacks for male solo travelers too — and benefits that only women who travel solo get to enjoy. There can be an implied trust factor between women that transcends cultures, and time and time again, people have been generous towards me in ways that I didn’t expect.
In the end, I still love and champion solo female travel and believe that every woman should do it. I’m just sick of all the double standards and think it’s high time to call them out.
Kristin Addis is a solo female travel expert who inspires women to travel the world in an authentic and adventurous way. A former investment banker who sold all of her belongings and left California in 2012, Kristin has solo traveled the world for over eight years, covering every continent (except for Antarctica, but it’s on her list). There’s almost nothing she won’t try and almost nowhere she won’t explore. You can find more of her musings at Be My Travel Muse or on Instagram and Facebook.
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Kathy
As an older solo traveler, I often get asked how many children I have — most recently as the day before yesterday in Doha. No idea if men get asked this.
Lynna
And it doesn’t stop as you get older. Now, when I tell them my husband isn’t with me because I am a widow, I am asked about my sons (not my daughters).
kristin addis
Gosh that’s so annoying!
Kathleen
I couldn’t agree more with all of this – especially the comments about “your dad must be rich!” “your dad lets you do this?!” I’m 34 years old, thanks. No one bankrolls me or lets me do anything – I just do what I want to do because I’m an independent adult! It’s a weird infantilisation.
kristin addis
Yeah.. maybe I’m rich, or just thrifty. Maybe I’m self-made. That’s an option!
Mike
You raised some really good points, and respectfully so.
I’ve seen it all, travelling with my wife. When I’m 10 feet away and out of view, it makes my stomach curdle to see how she is treated.
When she’s dealing with immigration to leave the Phillipines (her home country) –she hears almost everything you mentioned in one conversation, plus sometimes getting hit on. And then she points to the white guy, and suddenly all is well.
My instinct is to defend her, but she won’t have it.
So many countries are like this; travelling with an ex from Thailand to Singapore they questioned her for 20 minutes to ensure she wasn’t a prostitute. Which means they thought I was a trafficker. Made my heart hurt.
Women are higher value than men in most cultures. It comes with a price tag and ugly ignorance.
On the flip side, I appreciate the culture of where my lady is from, warts and all, for who my wife became because of it.
Because of it she understands there are monsters everywhere. Tourism is a party no one is really invited to, some people express bad vibes immediately once they sense you’re a tourist, regardless of gender although it manifests in different ways. Women get the worst treatment.
These same challenges we decry make some of us strong. They probably made you strong –albeit frustrated, and rightly so. But they made you better for it.
(Glass half full; not saying any of this is acceptable, but the benefit is that you’re likely much tougher and street smart than you were when you started out and that’s useful for the rest of your life).
As a guy living in Asia for 10 years, I too can relate to these problems. But I know this isn’t the time to bring it up. I’m not told over and over that these things can happen to me, I don’t get d-bag warnings like you, but the things they warn you of have literally happened to me. Even the stuff that doesn’t normally happen to most men. Awful stuff. No confessions for this comment, but I think you know what I’m saying.
But what really got me in the heart strings was that you also said this:
“Obviously, there are drawbacks for male solo travelers too — and benefits that only women who travel solo get to enjoy. There can be an implied trust factor between women that transcends cultures, and time and time again, people have been generous towards me in ways that I didn’t expect.”
I understand women truly do get the shorter end of the stick in global travel –but most articles shut down the male perspective immediately or blame them for all woes; you didn’t do that.
Thanks for writing such a thoughtful article, and not putting all men down.
All in all, I am left with the feeling that you’re a better writer than I and you’re able to empathise with men at a time when they need it too, while articulating what you mean without adding popular rhetoric.
In one way or another, we’re all up against hundreds of thousands of years of culture and biology. It’s not one society, it’s many societies, and each have their differences.
It’s amazing to me that present day America can exist at the same time as present day Saudi Arabia. (I hope that mention gets linked to Matt’s article on influencer marketing for Saudi Arabia).
To wrap it up –although I’m not a “woke” person; I am aware, empathetic, and I do what I can to bring about a “correction” to the woes you listed here.
Thanks for making an article I can really stand behind Kristin (as a man). Well expressed, and a true reality for solo female travellers. A lesson and a warning.
Steven
Yes, men sometimes get asked about kids when travelling. It happened to me yesterday in Morocco. And there have been times when, because I said I wasn’t married (I’m in my 40s), it was assumed that I was gay. And that was in France! But no question, women have it rougher in Islamic countries (not done Asia or South America yet). And not just wandering women. The locals seem to have it just as bad.
Lia
Are you kidding me. This western perspective irks me. You get in Tanzania for a day and now you know how Tanzania women are allowed to do or not do. I’m Tanzanian and it’s not unheard of single girls travelling alone. People are people they are curious when they see something that doesn’t fit the norm. Even in America I have been asked where is your boyfriend. This kind of narrative tries to subconsciously portray developing countries as if they are stuck and legging behind.
Mika
I too have experienced the same comments about “Where is your husband/boyfriend?”. In one country, this young girl asked me my age, I believe she was curious how I afforded to travel solo.
Even in a group of three young females in Italy, we were treated differently when we traveled with a male v when we were just three young females.
Many males don’t understand the challenges single solo travelers face.
Thank you for sharing and educating others.
Christine
That’s why I believe that more women from a variety of cultures and backgrounds need to travel independently. Exposure can, over time, change sexist ideas about how women move through the world. It can also empower others to see someone like themselves traveling independently.